Sexuality can be a site of exploration, pleasure, and discovery—BDSM equally so. In this article, I explore the practice from an IFS perspective, identifying motivations people’s systems may have for engaging in this type of subversive sexuality as well as how such experiences can support our parts.
Content warning: This article briefly mentions sexual assault.
Kink and mental health: What’s the connection?
Let’s talk briefly about mental health. Until recently, many mental health professionals assumed that people drawn to kink practices (an umbrella term under which BDSM falls) were motivated by trauma or disorder of some kind.
This just isn’t the case, and now perspectives are changing. Various “disorders” related to BDSM were removed from the 2013 DSM-V (the guidebook for diagnosing mental illness). And now many researchers are looking at the phenomenon from a more curious, less judgmental perspective.
What have they found?
- Kinky people are just as mentally well as vanilla people (“vanilla” is a term used to refer to non-kinky people).
- In fact, many kinky people find that their sexual preference has a positive effect on their mental wellness.
- “BDSM practices are no longer considered deviant behaviors, but, on the contrary, ‘common’ behaviors that have been adopted by a large number of individuals.” For some interesting data about sexual fantasies and how often BDSM shows up, check out The Science of Sexual Fantasy and Desire: Part 1, by Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller at the Kinsey Institute.
Foundations of BDSM
Kink and BDSM are related but not identical. The latter stands for bondage/discipline (BD), dominance/submission (DS), and sadism/masochism (SM). Much of kink falls into these categories, but not all of it. So “kink” is more of an umbrella term.
Negotiating a scene (a time-bound experience of BDSM, generally up to a couple of hours, or sometimes a whole day or weekend) happens ahead of time. Responsible negotiation will include what specific activities will or might happen, how to communicate during the scene, and what activities are off limits. Consent is given up front, but also negotiated continuously during a scene as the top and bottom check in with each other. The potential psychological effects of play (the word used to describe engaging in kinky behavior) should be part of a good negotiation.
Like any group that shares identity or interest, people interested in BDSM form communities. Communities of kinky people help to create more safety; there are always potential risks from engaging in kink (from small to significant, depending on the type of play). Community spaces can provide a forum for people to learn how to increase safety in BDSM practices, and to meet potential play partners and vet them.
Communities usually organize parties, where there are built-in safety checks and other people witnessing play. Volunteers circulate and keep an eye on what’s happening throughout the night, interrupting scenes if necessary. While not everyone is interested in playing at parties, these events also offer learning and social opportunities.
Why our parts might love BDSM
Divergent roles
A powerful, C-level professional (chief executive officer, operating officer, etc.) spends their days making decisions for others, evaluating high-stakes choices, and so on. What a joy it can be, then, to go home to their Dominant partner, who makes all their decisions for them. The in-control part who manages their working life gets to take a break, and a more passive or compliant part gets to enjoy the peace of submission.
A teacher spends their days supporting students, prioritizing the kids’ needs over their own. In their Dominant role at home, they get to focus on their own wants and needs with a submissive partner who’s there to prioritize them. The caretaker part who shows up in their classroom can step down and a more assertive, self-interested part can take up space.
The commonality here is that powder dynamics give our systems the opportunity for different parts to drive the bus for a while, particularly ones who don’t have an external role in everyday life. What happens when parts don’t have a place to express themselves? They can get cranky, show up in less-than-ideal ways, or try to grab control at inappropriate times. We don’t want the teacher who needs attention to yell at their students, for instance. And it would be a problem in the office for the CEO to freeze up around making an important, time-sensitive decision.
Giving parts the opportunity to take up different social roles means giving more of our internal systems a place in our external lives. These dynamics might last a day or make up the entire fabric of a BDSM relationship.
Shadow work
In play, people can engage with parts of themselves that are socially unacceptable, parts that are disavowed personally, professionally, or culturally. Women, for example, are often punished for being overly assertive or demanding, which makes it safer to exile the parts of themselves who thrive on exerting agency and control. Men, by contrast, often disavow the parts of themselves who long to be gentle or caregiving. And nobody, of any gender, is supposed to be selfish, aggressive, sadistic, or masochistic—which can lead us to deny, repress, or displace any parts of our systems who have sadistic or masochistic energy.
As IFS teaches, exiling these “shadow” parts of ourselves is an effective short- or medium-term strategy, but over the long term, embracing all of who we are is the best path to wellness. That’s why play can be an agent of internal healing. Play offers everyone an opportunity to embrace the parts of ourselves who get suppressed, judged, or disavowed in day-to-day life.
The SM top gets to release a primal energy within a container of consent and trust. They know that energy is wanted. In this play, a sadistic part that may be kept hidden gets to drive the bus. This can bring a sense of release.
The SM bottom often enjoys a feeling of strength that comes with the ordeal of receiving pain. For those who have loud systems with lots of internal dialogue, intense sensation can quiet many voices as the body and mind focus on pain processing. When pain and sexual desire are intertwined, pain play can also give hedonistic, self-indulgent parts time in the sun.
Engaging in sadism and masochism in a consensual container helps each partner care for their sadistic or masochistic parts (which many people have but don’t face), so they won’t seek these kinds of experiences in unhealthy and unsafe ways.
Reparative experiences
Although most of BDSM has nothing to do with trauma, it can in fact be a good place to do trauma work. Someone who experienced sexual assault might find it healing to plan a specific scene with the right partner where they can re-enact that assault but have a reparative experience: a different outcome. They might fight the attacker off, stop the experience whenever they want, receive care after the event, or whatever else their system needs.
Recall that part of the IFS unburdening process is a do-over. BDSM gives wounded parts this opportunity to redo a painful past in a very tangible way. I’m not suggesting that a scene or two by themselves stand in for deeper, longer therapeutic work, but the reparative experiences BDSM allows for can be a powerful part of a healing process.
Kink can also be helpful in working with childhood wounding. A very popular dynamic in the kink world is one in which two adults agree to play out an adult/child relationship: Mommy/girl, Daddy/boy, and so on—any combination of genders and sexualities. The “kid” in this relationship might be a teen or a younger child. This dynamic gives the person in the child role the opportunity to have a sort of do-over to experience a more secure, loving parental relationship.
Taking up this child role gives someone the opportunity to be cherished, spoiled, and even taught about responsibility and boundaries. The kid might receive guidance and feel loved unconditionally—things a secure-attachment relationship with a parent would have provided. The individual’s child parts get to directly experience that which may have been missing when they were growing up.
Altered states of consciousness
Accessing altered states of consciousness is one common attraction to BDSM. “Subspace,” a term used to describe an altered state a bottom might enter during a scene, is most commonly discussed in the community. This can be a sensation of total freeness, flying, release, being out of the body. Submission can offer a break from a cacophony of parts, a feeling of being centered in the universe, not just inside oneself.
Dominance has its own brand of dissociative bliss. For me, topping is the most reliable route to a flow state. Planning and preparing a scene makes total focus and presence possible. Awareness of trust bestowed upon a dominant can lead to a sense of great control. It would not be ethical for parts holding this level of control to run the show in most day-to-day situations. But they do belong, and are welcome, here.
Catharsis is a strong motivator for some folks bottoming to pain or other intense sensations. BDSM offers a container where the bottom is not only allowed, but invited, to sob or scream for as long as they want. Not only is crying not allowed in our social culture, it is also forbidden for certain groups of people (like cis men) to do even in private. For hurt parts holding a lot of pain, the opportunity for a catharsis that is appreciated is a compelling experience.
BDSM as a way into IFS work
Just like with self-critical, judgmental, people-pleaser, or other protective parts, supporting the parts of ourselves interested in BDSM helps them soften. When we dialogue with these parts and give them what they want and need, we can access greater centeredness and inner system balance.
BDSM opens up space for more of our systems to breathe, stretch, and participate in our internal and external worlds. We can use this framework of consent and community to find healing experiences and reclaim joy. BDSM provides a container where parts many of us have, but that are not welcome in our daily lives, can come out and play. And on a physiological level, BDSM can help us access altered states that can be deeply meaningful—and deeply fun.
Note: Some sections of this article first appeared in Parts & Self magazine.
